What are you doing the rest of your life...

Well, I think I may have given myself a mountain of expectation to climb with this blog.  I hope I don't disappoint!


So here I am, the first day of the rest of my life (apologies to Bergman/Bergman/Legrand).  Having spent the first part of the year looking after Vicky and nursing and supporting her through the bastard disease that is cancer; having pushed every sinew to breaking point; having challenged every emotional and psychological barrier to limits I had no idea I could ever reach, I'm still here.  Vicky isn't! Her death on Friday 13th April was the tragic and untimely end to a beautiful, fun filled and unique life. But, I am still here! And, mainly due to the legacy of experiences together that Vicky has left for me, I intend to be here for some time to come.


No more working days...for the moment.  Having accepted voluntary redundancy, I am what is euphemistically known as 'a man of leisure'. Its 3pm and so far today I've walked Inca, moved some bricks, sorted out some personal administration and played guitar...loudly and badly!! Do I feel good? No, not really!  Do I feel bad? Most of the time, no! To steal a phrase, 'I have days and I have bad days'. Learning to live with someone is hard enough.  Learning to live without them after 32 years is like learning to ride a bike all over again. Just when you think you have it sussed, you fall off, smack your head on the pavement and cry.  Not just from the pain, but from the shear injustice of what has just happened to you.  So, then I try to put this into perspective.  What can I change, what can I influence and what do I have no, or little, control over.


I've spent half of my professional career helping other people manage change.  And now, here I am, teaching myself my own lessons (and, I hope, remembering many more learned from those around me!).  When such tremendous and tumultuous circumstances force change to happen, it is so easy to feel the need to reverse into a deep, dark place and hide, for fear of what this change might bring and for fear of not knowing how to even start engaging with it.  This assumes that you aren't filled with the desire to kick against it, reject it or simply try and ignore it till it goes away! When I started to find my time to reflect and consider, I was reminded of elephants! One of the wisest (or should that be 'most wise') things said to me was 'don't try to eat one whole!'.  


So I have started slicing my elephant into bite sized chunks.  Some, I have neatly wrapped and put in the freezer (yes it is big!).  They can wait until another day.  Some I have shared with friends and family - a bit of a shock for the vegetarians! - for, as anyone will know, an elephant shared is an elephant halved! Some of it I have thrown out as tasteless, unpalatable or useless. And some I have in front of me now just waiting for me to make a start!


Now, the elephant is no longer in the room not being noticed!  It is expertly(!) butchered and jointed and ready to be enjoyed...over time.  Vicky can't be with me to enjoy it, but I can take Vicky wherever I like, because, like the elephant's foot, the imprint that she has left on me, and so many other people, is indelible.  I have, at least metaphorically, packed my trunk (ooo! Cheap pun) and am now getting ready to take on my future and whatever it may hold.  I know that I will have the support of so many beautiful people along the way and thank you in advance.  I hope that as many people as want to will join me on this journey '...north and south and east and west of my life!'.


By the way, does anyone know what you do with the parson's nose!!