Now, several places around the globe have laid claim to this distinction, but the Kiwi version has its own charm. So, here is my take on the New Zealand as Godzone tale - apologies in advance to both creationists and evolutionists, both of whom will tut severely at my lack of reverence or adherence to scientific principle.
So, here goes...
Early one monday morning god awoke and lay, looking at the black ceiling, wondering what to do this week. Remembering that he had an Airfix planet kit tucked away in a cupboard, he decided to have a go at putting it together. God had picked up this particular planet kit at a car boot sale. It was cheap, mainly because the box was a bit tatty and there were no instructions. However, he'd already made a couple of these in the past and felt he was quite capable of completing it without guidance.
He decided that he would really put some effort in this time though and that meant a lot of tricky, intricate detail. Putting together the separate 'plates' that made up the basic sphere, God pondered whether he had used enough glue. He would need a good light source so that he would be able to pick out the finer points. He spent most of the day routing around in his garage to find a big arc light that he knew was there somewhere. It would be perfect for the job. Obviously, it would only illuminate one side of the model at a time, but that would be fine for his needs. By the time he'd found the lamp, changed the bulb, as the old one had blown, and set everything up, it was time for bed. The rest would have to wait.
The next day, god decided that he would like his planet to have a bit of atmosphere. Something that would make people want to 'c'mon in' and 'chill out'. So he created a space above the hard surface of the ball and shrouded it in a near transparent layer that he decided to call sky.
On day three, he decided it was time to put some shape the surface of his new planet. Taking some paint in varying shades of blue, he coloured in the big expanses of water - the seas and oceans. Then, with the pots of green and brown, he set about creating the 'land' bits, along with some trees and plants and 'stuff'. He realised that he had underestimated the time it would take to do this bit properly. Pushed for time, he called in his old friend, Slarty Bartfast, to help with some of the leg work. He had planned on giving him Scandinavia and Africa to do. However, he'd forgotten what a stickler for detail Slarty was. He spent so much time on the fiddly little bits around the coast line of Norway that god had to finish Africa himself. God tried to tell his friend that fjords are so last year and much too baroque for this sort of planet. Would Slarty listen?
Consequently, at the end of the third day, there were quite a few expanses of sandy beige that god said he would have to come back to. But, you know how these things work, if you don't strike when the iron's hot, you only forget.
On the fourth day, god awoke feeling that he needed to be a little more ethereal with his thinking and planning. He already had the 'big light' set up, but thought it would be fun and visually stimulating to have little specks of light that could be seen on the side of the planet away from the arc light. Taking a tip picked up from Blue Peter, pricking neat little holes in black paper did a great job of creating, what he would refer to as, a night sky.
By day five, god had tired of the main body of his self build planet. He fancied putting some 'life' into it. So he spent the day creating fish and birds in abundance. Some of his early prototypes were doomed to failure though. His first attempts at birds lacked wings and, for the Dodo, for example, this would prove a dreadful mistake. Conversely, he tested out wings on some fish and they seemed to fly with it.
Day six saw god putting living things onto the dry bits, although he did drop a few in the water and they coped. But, he had a busy day filling the planet with mammals, reptiles, and other sundry entities that would complete his Kingdom Animalia. He had fun with some of these, especially, as not having any instructions, in some cases he simply glued on the bits he thought would be interesting or funny. The Proboscis monkey has never really forgiven him for the mean trick he played on them.
Finally, as they day was drawing to an end, god unwrapped the last two cotton wool covered pieces that would complete his new planet. These two 'humans', one of each gender, he placed on what he called 'central Africa', that seeming as good a place as any. There were only two of them, so they couldn't do much harm. And, anyway, they probably would last too long.
On the seventh day, god sat back and admired his handwork. Not bad he thought. The only thing missing was a little place of his own. Then, looking at his work bench, he realised that he still had some bits and bobs left over - lots of green covered mountains; a few lakes and a couple of glaciers; loads of flightless birds, as well as a fair few with wings; and all of the fjords that Slarty had over ordered. Noticing a big blank space in the South Pacific, just out of sight of Australia, god dropped all the odds and ends into the sea so that he would have his own little place. He'd used up all of the mammals elsewhere and there were only the two humans, so he wasn't likely to be disturbed. Not for a while at least.
Sitting back in the 'zone of his own'. God looked across at Australia and admired the, albeit accidental, expanse of red sand. It set his mind thinking about his next project. He had lots of that red left over, perhaps he could theme a planet around the colour. As he laid back in quiet contemplation of his work, he felt a rumbling under his right buttock. 'Sod it' he said, I knew I should have used more glue.
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